Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
