so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
