Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
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there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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