I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
