I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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