she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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