Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
