Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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