i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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