I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
