I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
