I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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