i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
