You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
