I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
