she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
