as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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