If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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