There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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