you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!