I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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