Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
