I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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