My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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