I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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