my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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