I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
