Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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