God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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