I need help removing her.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The uberlube is also flammable
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
