I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
