well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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