The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
