That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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