there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
