i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My bed smells like the plague
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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