Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
