I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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