I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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