I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
