i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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