i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
