made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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