1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yo dont text me then not text me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
