Heybabeimwearingurpanties
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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