I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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