I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
