Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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