Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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