her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
