your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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