I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know her cup size but not her name....
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