I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
