I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
