ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
