You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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