How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
