i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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